


what they call love is a risk

by alakewood



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Cheating, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-25
Updated: 2011-07-25
Packaged: 2017-10-21 18:29:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/228276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alakewood/pseuds/alakewood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen and Jared run into each other at a wedding five years after Jared unintentionally cheats on Jensen and Jensen walks out on him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_June 7, 2008_

“Okay, so, you really weren't kidding, were you?” Jensen asks quietly, leaning into Danneel's space as they walk into the manor's backyard, which has been artfully landscaped into a Japanese garden.

Danneel smirks, a sassy curve to her crimson lips. “Why would I lie?”

“And neither of them are Asian?”

“Japanese,” Danneel corrects. “And, no. When Ashley was a kid, her parents taught English over there. She's been infatuated with the culture since.”

Jensen just nods, taking in the yard that makes him feel as though he's stepped into another country and another time instead of some expensively themed LA wedding. He's relieved to see that he's not the only one wearing a simple suit as opposed to the mock-traditional Japanese wear, like Danneel's kimono-inspired dress.

Danneel leads the way to their seats, reserved three rows from the front right next to the aisle. Ashley's one of Danneel's best friends from college, but Jensen's only met her a handful of times considering he moved back home to Texas after graduation. He's only been back in LA for a few months, but it's dredging up all those bad memories he'd tried to leave behind.

From somewhere behind them and to his left, Jensen hears a distantly familiar laugh, loud and long, and his mind conjures a long-forgotten image of the tanned column of a throat and sparkling hazel eyes. The aching throb in his chest that he's felt since stepping off the plane at LAX increases ten-fold.

Danneel's eyes are wide, focused on his face. “Jen, I meant to tell you,” she says, gripping his forearm, wrinkling the sleeve of his lightweight suit. “I just didn't know how.”

Jensen just scoffs and tries to pull free of her surprisingly strong hold. “I can't believe you'd do this.”

“It's been _five years._ ”

“Doesn't feel like it to me.”

Danneel must see something in the expression on his face or hear it in the tone of his voice because her fingers slip away from his arm. “I'm sorry, Jen,” she says sincerely as he stands.

“Me, too.” Mostly for the fact that she hadn't once brought up the horrible situation he'd done his best to escape only to shove his face into it now. Doesn't matter if it was her intent or not. He brusquely makes his way back up the aisle towards the house, passing the groom – who is dressed as a samurai – and a small cluster of men around him. Jensen briefly glances up at the men in all black, possibly costumed as ninjas, and locks gazes with the tallest of them. His heart falters as he immediately recognizes the stare and it's all he can do to not run. He forces his eyes away and continues on into the house, back the way he came, doing his damnedest to ignore the voice calling after him. But he's barely made it halfway down the front stairs to the valet when he realizes that there is nowhere for him to go. Sure, he's got the valet ticket and he'd driven his car, but he can't abandon Danneel – no matter how much he wants to after this stunt she's pulled.

“Jensen?”

He closes his eyes and attempts to steel himself, hands balled into fists at his sides as he prepares to face the one person he'd hoped had been permanently left in his past. He takes a deep breath and turns. “Jared,” Jensen greets, amazed at how even and calm his voice sounds, though he's feeling anything but.

Jared's expressive hazel eyes are wide, bright, and he takes an aborted half-step forward. “What are you...?”

“I was with Danneel.”

Something briefly shadows Jared's gaze, but it slips away before Jensen can name it. His gaze roves over Jensen's body, the weight and heat of it like a physical touch. “You look-”

“I wasn't kidding when I told you I never wanted to see or speak to you ever again,” Jensen interrupts. “Goodbye, Jared.” It hurts like hell and is such a relief to get the words out, but he's got to turn away before he can see the expression on Jared's face.

“Jen.” No one's ever been able to fit so much desperation into three letters the way Jared does.

“Don't.” He strides off towards a wrought iron bench beneath a large California Bay Laurel near the half-circle drive and prays that Jared won't follow him.

He doesn't.

 ****

oxo

 _April 2003_

Jared's on his back on their bed, hands shoved beneath the pillow under his head, left leg flopped out to the side and flat against the wrinkled sheets and bent at the knee, heel of his right foot braced against the side of the wooden bed frame to give himself leverage to thrust harder into Jensen's slick and willing throat. “Fuck, Jen. So good. Just, yeah, just like-” He abruptly breaks off and it's not because of Jensen's wicked and talented mouth. Jared bursts into laughter as Sadie's slobbery tongue catches between his toes and he attempts to push her head away with his foot, but she licks at his sole instead thinking they're playing a game.

Jensen raises himself up from between Jared's spread thighs on both of his hands and glares down at his boyfriend. “Really?”

Jared leans up on his elbows. “What? She's licking my feet and I'm not supposed to laugh?”

“Not in the middle of the best blow job of your _life._ ”

Jared grins and sits up completely, reaching for Jensen. “Sorry, baby. Won't happen again.” He turns a mock glare on Sadie. “You're a bad girl.”

Sadie just pants happily, tongue lolling out of her mouth, tail wagging.

“You're naughty.” Jared laughs and looks at Jensen, waggling his eyebrows. “And so are you.”

Jensen shoves at Jared's shoulder and tries to escape his grasp. “You are so lame.”

Jared tightens his grip. “You _love_ me.”

Jensen laughs when Jared licks a long, wet strip up his throat, then groans when Jared flips them over to rut his cock against Jensen's through Jensen's boxer-briefs. He thrusts up into Jared's heavy weight. “Fuck yeah, I do.”

Fingers catching in the elastic of Jensen's underwear and tugging them down and off, Jared settles between Jensen's knees on his own, flipping open the cap of the bottle of lube in his hand. “Wanna show me how _much_ you love me?”

Splaying his thighs wider, Jensen exposes himself to Jared. “Yeah. Come on, Jay – fuck me.”

Jared's got three fingers of his right hand slicked, one circling Jensen's taut, pink hole when his cell phone starts ringing and buzzing on the nightstand. Sadie barks at it and Harley comes barreling into the room to bark at her.

“Don't answer it,” Jensen begs, tilting his hips up to press harder against the tip of Jared's finger. “Let it go to voicemail.”

Jared's tempted. But the dogs keep barking. “Jen...”

Jensen sighs and rolls over, legs flopping closed, and palms himself as Jared reaches for his phone.

Wiping his lube-covered fingers off on his thigh, Jared thumbs the 'Send' button with his other hand as he lifts it to his ear. “Hello?”

Jensen's close enough already, a couple rough tugs would be enough to push him over the edge, but he can feel Jared tense on the mattress beside him and cranes his neck to the side just in time to see Jared pale. “Hey. What is it?”

Jared just shakes his head and holds a hand up to Jensen. “No, Sandy, that- that would be fine.” He pauses, eyes closed, because he can't look at Jensen right now – not when he's on the phone with his ex. “Um, yeah, okay. I'll see you Friday.” He ends the call and tosses his phone back onto the nightstand.

“ _Sandy?_ ” Jensen sits up. He's never actually met the girl, but he's heard plenty enough about her. He knows that she and Jared dated all throughout high school and that they only broke up because she hadn't wanted to do the long-distance thing when she went down to Miami. He knows they still talk on occasion. He still doesn't like her.

“Uh, yeah. She's gonna be in town for a few days, wanted to know if she could crash here.”

“And you told her it would be okay?”

Jared has the good sense to look guilty. “Yeah.”

“What are you going to tell her?”

“About what?”

“About us.”

“I- I don't know. Nothing?”

Jensen scoffs and shakes his head, climbing off the bed and snatching his underwear up from the floor. “You should tell her, Jay.”

“I _can't!_ ”

“You _can._ We've been together for almost two years and you haven't told _anyone_ that's not here that you're gay.”

“I'm not _ready._ ”

“Are you ever going to be?” Jensen doesn't hang around for an answer mostly because he's not sure he wants to hear the truth.

 ****

oxo

 _June 7, 2008_

The wedding ceremony passes in a blur – Jared barely remembers returning to the garden to take his place at Chad's side before Ashley started her trip down the cherry blossom-strewn aisle. Then next thing he knows, the samurai and geisha are kissing and the crowd's cheering and cat-calling. He claps Chad on the shoulder, offering his best friend his congratulations, before rushing to catch up with Danneel.

At least she has the decency to look ashamed when he gently takes her arm. “Jared,” she says. “Hey.”

“How long has he been back in town, Danny?”

“Jay.”

“How long?”

She worries a red-stained lip between her straight, white teeth. “Three months?”

Jared laughs, low and mirthless, and laces his fingers behind his head as he stares down at her. “Three- And you've known the whole time and never thought to tell me?”

“I helped him move into his new place. And, no, I never thought to tell you because it's not really any of your business anymore, is it?”

“Dan – you know how I feel about him.”

Her face softens and she sighs. “It doesn't change what you did.”

“I _know._ Can you just, maybe, talk to him?”

She shrugs. “I can try. No guarantees.”

Jared presses a quick kiss to her forehead. “Thank you. I mean it.”

“You better. He's already mad enough at me as it is.” She squeezes his arm reassuringly and disappears into the crowd.

Jared can't believe how long it's been since the last time he saw Jensen. So much has changed - _Jared_ has changed. He's grown up and realized his mistakes. But he doesn't have time to dwell on the biggest mistake of them all because James is slapping his back.

“C'mon, man, you're falling behind.”

“I'm coming,” Jared grouses, poking a sharp elbow into James' ribs.

James throws an elbow back, reminiscent of too many pick-up basketball games that blur together. They shove and jostle each other all the way up to the front of the house where the black stretch Hummer idles in the driveway. Jared glances at the faces of the guests milling around the yard, but he doesn't see Jensen before he's shoved into the Hummer's backseat.

 ****

oxo

 _April 2003_

While Jared goes to pick up Sandy from the airport, Jensen's stuck transferring most of Jared's clothes and pictures out of their room. Jared _insisted_ , much to Jensen's disagreement, that they set up the guest room as his so that he can offer Sandy his room while he sleeps on the couch. Jensen just thinks it's a pain-in-the-ass, unnecessary production, but he's so tired of having the same old argument with Jared and he's got a week until graduation, so he's got plenty enough to worry about right now without adding to it all this Sandy crap. He indulges Jared's request if only to save them from something they'll regret later on.

But, as soon as Sandy enters their small, two-bedroom bungalow in Sierra Madre, Jensen already knows he's made a mistake in backing down to avoid a tense argument. She's nice enough to Jensen - “Hi, I'm Sandy!” she greets him perkily, extending a slender arm and a tiny hand.

“Jensen. Nice to meet you.”

“You've gotta be the most patient guy _ever_ to be willing to have Jared for a roommate,” she laughs, wrapping that same slender arm around Jared's waist and hugging him lightly.

Jared doesn't correct her – can't, because then he'd have to _explain_ \- and he can see the way the muscle in Jensen's jaw twitches. He's worried about how big of a fight they're going to get into once Sandy's gone. He knows Jensen wishes he were more _out_ , but it's not that easy. Jensen's told him about all the shit he'd gone through when he'd come out to his parents, how he'd lost nearly his whole family because of his sexuality, and, while Jared's pretty sure his parents are quite a bit more open-minded, it's not a risk he's willing to take just yet. So, instead of correcting Sandy, he just tells her as much of the truth as he can. “He's the best. I don't know what I'd do without him.”

The muscle in Jensen's jaw jumps again and he shakes his head. “I don't know what you'd do, either.” Jensen doesn't like any of this at _all_ and he can only hope the next few days fly by because, the way Sandy's hanging off of Jared? Well, Jared better put a stop to it.

But he _doesn't._ And Jensen just can't deal with it by the time Saturday afternoon rolls around.

“Hey, Jay?” he says, slinging the one good strap of his old backpack over his shoulder. “I'm gonna go stay with Mike.”

Jared's eyes are wide, incredulous. “What? Why?” He keeps his voice low even though Sandy's in the shower.

Jensen pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and sighs. “This- it's just too weird, Jay. You won't even let me _touch_ you. So, I'm just gonna go. She's leaving tomorrow night, right?”

“Um, actually?” Jared's gaze falls to the well-worn floorboards and scratches at the back of his neck in that guilt-transmitting nervous habit of his. “She wants to stay until Tuesday now. She's up here because some talent scout was vacationing in Miami and-”

Jensen holds up a hand. “That's enough, Jay. I'll see you Tuesday.” He starts for the door, skin itching for physical contact even if he's pissed at the situation they're in.

“Jen!” Jared calls after him. It's not like there's anything Jared can do about Sandy wanting to stay longer – he's not going to kick her out. All he knows is that he's going to have to do a _lot_ to make up to Jensen come Tuesday night.

Jared's at his side by the time he's got his hand on the door knob. Then Sadie's there, too, nosing at his palm for a good ear scratch. “I'm sorry,” he offers with a shrug, fingers stroking through Sadie's soft fur.

Jared kisses him quick and hard like a promise and an apology. “I'll try to tell her.”

Jensen pulls Jared in again, goes for a longer, slower kiss, but Jared instantly breaks away as soon as he hears the bathroom door open. He pushes Jared further away and shakes his head. “Whatever. Bye, Jay.”

Jared watches him go and is still standing in the small foyer, Sadie at his side, when Sandy excitedly bounds into the living room. “I've got an appointment at five, but I'm free 'til then. Want to show me around?”


	2. Chapter 2

_June 10, 2008_

Jensen's sitting across from Danneel under a white umbrella next to a white picket fence on The Ivy's patio, chicken enchiladas half-gone, and he's on his second glass of lemonade. Danneel picks at her salad in that way that tells Jensen she's got something on her mind. “What's up?”

The kohl lining Danneel's eyes make them appear even larger when her surprised gaze rises to his face. “What?”

“Out with it, whatever it is that's making your forehead wrinkle like that.”

Danneel's hand immediately goes to her forehead, fingers smoothing over the skin. She gives Jensen a weak smile. “So. Jared.”

Jensen drops his fork to his plate and wipes at his mouth with his napkin. “No. I don't want to talk about him.”

“He's different, Jen.”

“I don't care. He had his chance and he screwed up.”

“Then give him a second one.”

“I can't.”

“He's _out._ Really _out._ His family knows, his friends back home. It wasn't easy for him.”

“Coming out is never easy for _anyone_ , Danny.”

She reaches across the table to cover his hand with hers. “I can't say I know what it's like, but I can tell you it was the hardest, scariest thing he's ever done. Besides losing you.”

Jensen pulls his hand back like he's been burned. “Whose side are you on?”

“I'm not on anybody's side, Jen. Really, I'm not. It's just- It's obvious that you've still got feelings for him, otherwise you wouldn't be this... _combative_ about it. And Jared? He still lo-”

“Don't, Danny. I swear to God, I'll walk away right now.”

“Just talk to him,” she says softly. “At least, _think_ about it, okay? That's all I'm asking. That's all _he's_ asking. Give him the chance to say goodbye if nothing else.”

“Fine. I'll think about it.”

 ****

oxo

 _April 2003_

After a day and a half of wearing his contacts, Jensen's about ready to scratch his eyes out. Or, maybe, that's because he walked in on Mike watching some really nasty – even for _Mike_ – porn this morning. Regardless, he's dying for his glasses.

He and Jared have texted back and forth a few times during the day, but it seems like Jared's had his hands full giving Sandy a guided tour of LA. It's nearly ten and he knows Jared has to work before his class in the morning, but he can be quiet slipping in and out of the house.

Jensen's pretty sure he left his glasses on the nightstand in their room, he mentally retraces his steps as he turns his key in the lock and pushes the door open. The TV's on in the living room so Jensen heads in that direction because maybe Jared's still awake. Or, maybe he fell asleep on the couch again.

As soon as enters the doorway, he wishes he would've called or texted first because Jared- God, Jensen can't believe what he's seeing; it feels like his heart burst straight on through his lungs and dropped right out of his chest. Jared's got a lapful of Sandy, her arms around his neck, his hands on her hips, mouths fused together.

This must be some kind of really bad joke because the only other possibility...? He _knows_ Jared and Jared wouldn't do this to him. Would he? A year of too-good-to-be-true domestic almost-bliss and- No. He can't fathom any other option. Waits for the punch line, emotions whirling through him sharp as dry leaves in a storm.

But nothing happens. No _Psyche!_ or _Oh, man, you should see your face_ from Jared. And Jensen realizes the joke's on him for believing that a life with him is what Jared really wanted.

He must make some kind of noise – maybe it's the sound of his heart hitting the wood floor – because Sandy glances right up at him.

“Hey, Jensen,” she says with a pleased smile, settling back a little on Jared's thighs.

Jared's suddenly sitting up straighter, eyes wide and wild as he glances over his shoulder to look at Jensen still standing in the doorway. His mouth drops open and he just looks _caught._ “Jen.”

It takes a minute for Jensen to find his voice and he barely recognizes it as his own when he opens his mouth. “I, uh- I forgot my glasses.” He gestures towards their bedroom and tears his eyes away from Jared's horrified hazel stare.

Jared gently all but shoves Sandy from his lap to go after Jensen. He catches up with him in their room. “It wasn't- Jen, _please_ \- look at me.” He doesn't know how to fix this, doesn't know how he managed to screw it up so badly, doesn't know what he did in a past life that allowed Jensen to walk in right at that moment.

Jensen just grabs his glasses from the nightstand, keeping his back to Jared. “You don't owe me any explanations, Jay.” He's going to hyperventilate, he can feel it. The desperation in Jared's voice is sure to be mirrored on his face so Jensen brushes past him without looking at him and calmly makes his way back towards the front door. He tosses a pathetically half-hearted – and possibly fully sarcastic - “Have a goodnight,” to Sandy, who's all oblivious smiles even as Jared chases after him again.

“Jen- _Jensen_ , wait!” he calls once they're both outside. “Don't go.” Behind him, Sadie and Harley are barking at the door.

“Look, Jared, you can't have it both ways. It's obvious that what we have-” he pauses, takes a breath that does nothing to calm his racing heart or steel his nerves, and corrects himself, “ _had_ , that it's not good enough for you. I never wanted _us_ to be something you were ashamed of.”

“I'm not.”

“You must be. Otherwise you wouldn't – I wouldn't've walked in on what I did. I'll, um. I'll come for my things on Tuesday.” It's crazy how fast everything just fell apart – one tiny, frayed length of thread in the fabric of their relationship and just the slightest tug made it all unravel into something Jensen can't even recognize anymore.

Jared moves forward, hands sliding over Jensen's arms, shoulders, neck, large palms cupping Jensen's face. “Jen. Jensen- no. Don't do this,” he begs in a whisper. “ _Please._ Please, baby, don't.”

Jensen shoves Jared's hands away, surprises himself with the steadiness of his voice even though he feels like he's so weak he's going to collapse where he stands. “I don't have a choice, Jared. Goodbye.” He walks away, down the cracked cement of their sidewalk, and climbs into his car. He doesn't look back, but he knows Jared's still standing there, watching him go.

 ****

oxo

 _June 15, 2008_

Every Sunday, instead of going to church, Jared takes Sadie and Harley on a good long run. Today, however, he's taking them up to Eaton Canyon in Pasadena. It's always been one of their favorite places – they've been there a handful of times in the past five years since he and Jensen used to run the trails with them every Sunday afternoon when they were together.

He loads them both into the back of his pickup and they're quiet until he drives past the Eaton Wash Reservoir like they know exactly where he's going. They probably do, Jared thinks to himself; it hasn't rained in a while, so the reservoir is completely dry, but they must recognize it all the same. He turns off onto Altadena and pulls into the parking lot at the Nature Center, coasting into a space next to a silver minivan. After snapping leashes to Sadie and Harley's collars, he drops the tailgate and lets them jump down. They bark excitedly and strain at their leashes until Harley's hacking. “Okay, guys, jeez,” Jared says distractedly, eyes scanning the lot for Jensen's old, battered Corolla. It's a habit he's never been able to break himself of.

Jared heads for the Oak Terrace Nature Trail to start them off easy and the dogs trot along beside him just fine as they cross the lot, then Sadie stops, nose to the ground, and literally lunges on her leash, tearing free from her collar and bolting straight for the Moist Canyon trailhead.

“Sadie!” he yells after her as Harley barks and yips, gently tugging at the leash to follow. Jared breaks off in as much of a run as he can with Harley, following Sadie up the trail. He loses sight of her after she takes the right fork and he rounds a turn in time to see her barreling into another hiker. “ _Sadie!_ ” he calls again, but she's stopped running. Instead, it looks like she's trying to scale the hiker, standing tall on her hind legs, front paws up on the guy's chest. The man crouches down and Sadie drops with him, flopping onto her side in the middle of the dirt trail for a belly rub. “I'm so sorry,” Jared starts when he finally reaches them, and the man glances over his shoulder quickly. Jared catches the briefest glimpse of green eyes and a freckled nose, and his heart thuds in his chest like he's been running for miles. “Jensen.”

Jensen rises to his feet, brushing off his knees, and Sadie climbs up off the ground to nose at his hand. She barks sharply when he doesn't pet her right away. “Sadie,” he admonishes lightly. She whines at him instead. He's somehow managed to avoid Jared for a whole week, managed to avoid Eaton Canyon for three and a half months, and the one day he gives in to the need to run a familiar trail? He wonders if this is a sign. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Jared drops to a knee, eyes still on Jensen because it's entirely possible that he's hallucinating and Jensen will disappear if he blinks. But he's got to look away to fasten Sadie's collar back around her neck – the plastic buckle isn't broken, thankfully, so he snaps it back in place and stands up. Jensen's still there.

“I, um. I guess we should talk, huh?” Jared looks just as gorgeous as Jensen remembers - actually, he looks _better._ He's bulked up a bit, his hair's longer. As much as his appearance has changed, a lot of it – the way what he's feeling is clearly displayed on his face, especially – is still the same. And right now he looks apprehensive.

“If you- I mean, do you want to?” He can't help but feel anxious. Doesn't want to screw this opportunity up.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Great!” He can't stop staring. Nothing about Jensen's really changed since he left – his hair is darker, his skin paler. But he looks really _good._ Sadie barks and brings him back. “Um, where?”

“Cafe Alibi? Tomorrow afternoon?”

“How's four?”

“Five?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that's fine.”

So that's how Jensen finds himself sitting across from Jared after work on Monday, hands wrapped around a mug of coffee he can't drink while Jared sips at his caramel macchiato. “So, you and Danneel are pretty good friends now.”

Jared nods, sets his drink onto the mosaicked tabletop. “You didn't ask me here to talk to me about Danneel, did you?”

“Of course not, Jay,” Jensen says. He just doesn't know how he's supposed to bring up what happened with Sandy, the total and sudden obliteration of their relationship. He swallows hard and pushes his full cup of coffee away. “I'm sorry, Jared. I thought I could do this.”

It feels like it's happening all over again. Five years, and that wound is still fresh and gaping. Jensen's standing from his chair and Jared rises, too, his hand catching one of Jensen's wrists before he can put too much distance between them. “I love you,” he says. “I _never_ stopped.”

Jensen falters, Jared's fingers hot on his skin making sensory memories flash through his mind – Jared holding his wrists above his head with one hand while he sucks at Jensen's pulse, Jared grabbing his wrist to pull him back down to the couch for a kiss even though he's only going into the kitchen to get more beer, Jared slipping his hands down his forearms and over his wrists to twine their fingers together while they kiss slowly against a hundred closed doors, and a thousand other touches. “Jay, _please._ ” He doesn't even know what he's asking for.

Jared pulls Jensen to his chest, ignoring the looks they get, and wraps his arms around him, buries his face in his neck to breathe him in. “God, Jen.”

Jensen makes no move to break free of Jared's embrace, but he doesn't hug back, either. “I need to go,” he says quietly.

Jared releases him. “Okay. Are we-” He takes a shaky breath. “Am I gonna see you again?”

Jensen nods and, again, walks away.

 ****

oxo

 _June 19, 2008_

Jared's barely been home for half an hour – got the dogs fed and took a quick shower – when the doorbell chimes discordantly. He tosses the loaf of bread back onto the counter and heads for the front door, scrubbing his hands through his damp hair. He pulls the door open and is shocked to find Jensen standing on the other side. “Jen?”

“You hurt me, Jay,” Jensen blurts and that's not at all what he'd intended to say.

“I know. I'm sorry.” But _sorry_ isn't enough – wasn't then, isn't now – and Jared doesn't know if it ever will be.

“What happened?”

Jared steps away from the door. “Why don't you come in?”

Sadie and Harley are standing in the doorway to the living room but they're immediately on Jensen the moment he sets foot inside the house.

Nothing has changed, Jensen notices as he drops to his knees to welcome both dogs. It's just like it used to be when he'd get home from class or from work, greeted by their _kids_ , as Jared referred to them. The smile on Jared's face is sad when Jensen finally climbs to his feet. “You never moved.”

“Never wanted to.” He starts down the hall. “You want a beer?”

“Please.” He follows Jared back to the kitchen and everything here is still the same, too.

Jared hands him a bottle from the fridge and opens one for himself. He takes a healthy swig and leans against the counter. “So, um. Sandy. I should've stopped her. I didn't know how, then. I should've been honest with her about us the minute she walked in the door and assumed you were just my roommate. I'm sorry.” When Jensen doesn't say anything, he continues. “After you left?” He shrugs. “It was bad, man. I took a semester off of school. A semester became a year. Danneel, though. She kicked my ass, told me to grow up. So I did. Went back to school, came out to my family. They took it better than I expected.”

“Good,” Jensen finally says. “I'm glad.”

“Me, too.” They fall silent for a long span of minutes, the ticking of the fridge and Sadie's soft snuffles the only sounds in the kitchen. “Do you think- do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me?”

Jensen's never loved _anybody_ the way he loves Jared. Five years and the worst kind of betrayal later and that love is just as strong as it was before everything fell apart. “Yeah, I will.”

 ****

oxo

 _September 1, 2008; Labor Day_

There's not a whole lot of room in Jared's postage-stamp sized back yard – especially with Sadie and Harley tearing around the few guests he's invited over for a cookout – but it's comfortable and somewhat intimate, and everyone that matters to him in LA fits right here on his patio. Jared takes a sip from his bottle of Corona and flips a couple of burgers while watching his friends animatedly chatter.

Chad's got his arm around Ashley, who is beaming proudly as she tells Danneel about the new addition to her new family. Jared can't help but laugh aloud to himself as Danny's mouth drops open in shock before she's squealing and throwing her arms around Ashley and hugging her close. Behind them at the TV he'd set up near the house so they could watch the UCLA versus Tennessee game later, Aldis, Chris, and Steve all turn towards the ruckus with confusion on their faces.

“What's going on?” Jensen asks, nodding towards where Danneel and Ashley are still hugging. He sets a small plate of cheese slices next to Jared's beer on the side tray.

“Ashley's pregnant.” He smiles, truly happy for his friends, and glances over at Jensen.

Jensen smiles back and says, “Wow. I'm kind of surprised they waited this long.”

Jared chuckles. “Yeah. I'll admit I thought that was why Chad asked her to marry him in the first place. I mean, it's _Chad_ , you know? But they're the real deal. He's really in love with her.”

Jensen's not sure what to say and just nods. He can remember being that couple a handful of years ago, Jared's arm around his shoulders and his around Jared's waist, holding each other close and listening to Jared gush about their dogs. It's not exactly the same thing as Chad and Ashley expecting a baby, but it was him and Jared and the family they wanted.

As if Harley and Sadie can sense Jensen thinking about them, they pause in their circuit long enough to sit at Jensen's feet and turn their big, sad, begging eyes up at him.

Jared laughs and hands him a cooling hotdog. “Here.”

Jensen tears the hotdog into bite-sized bits and tosses them out to Sadie and Harley who snap the rare treat right out of midair. “That's it, guys,” Jensen tells them, holding up his empty hands as they nose at his knees. Sadie yips at him in question. “Go on,” he laughs. “Get out of here.” Harley crouches down, front legs extended in front of him with his butt up in the air and lets out a little bark like he used to when he was a puppy, hopping this way, then that, then Sadie barrels into him and takes off across the yard, and the hotdogs are forgotten. Jensen marvels at how much nothing's really changed here, in this house he called home. It amazes him how much it still _feels_ like home.

Jared touches Jensen's elbow as he flips the last burger and adds a slice of cheese to the top. “You wanna grab the other plate from the counter in the kitchen and I can start serving these up?”

Jensen's distracted enough in his own thoughts that he starts to lean in to Jared for a kiss before he realizes what he's doing. He's standing awkwardly with most of his weight shifted forward when Jared's amused, oblivious gaze turns to him. He reaches for Jared's nearly empty bottle to cover his momentary lack in sense. “I'll grab you another.”

“Thanks, Jen.” Jared doesn't miss the flush on Jensen's cheeks, the slightly strained smile he gives before hustling back into the kitchen. “Aldis? Can you watch these for a sec? I'll be right back.”

“Sure thing, Jay.” Aldis casts a quick glance at the Longhorns-Owls game from Saturday, and takes over for Jared at the grill.

Jensen's standing in the dim kitchen, hands gripping the edge of the sink with his shoulders hunched and his head down. Jared leans against the counter a couple feet away. “Hey,” he says softly. “You okay?” He knows things haven't been the easiest for him the past couple of months as they've slowly regained their friendship, knows they were probably even more difficult for Jensen, but they're finally in a place that feels _good._

Jensen's eyes are wide as he raises his head. “Jay. I- The beer.” He makes to turn towards the fridge, but Jared catches his wrist and holds him back. There are so many memories within the four walls of this house that flood through him with every glance and each fleeting touch of Jared's skin on his.

“What's wrong?” Jared pushes away from the counter, concern for Jensen second nature even after all the time they've been apart. Jensen looks overwhelmed and this is the part where Jared used to kiss him until he'd relax, but Jared doesn't think that would help matters here any.

Jensen shakes his head. “It's nothing.” He wants to be mad, but the way he's feeling isn't Jared's fault. Over the past two months his mind constantly circles back to one thought: what would have happened if he hadn't walked away from Jared without giving him a chance to explain? He knows it wasn't fair to expect Jared to come out for him, but Jared didn't even put up a fight for him back then. Jensen's pretty sure that's his fault, too.

“Are you sure?” The look in Jensen's eyes means he's thinking, that little crease between his eyebrows means it's important. Jared's glad his ability to read his- He automatically thinks _boyfriend_ , and mentally shakes his head. It's amazing how easy it is to slip into who they used to be.

“Yeah. Thanks.” He pulls free from Jared's light hold and opens the fridge, grabs Jared a beer and hands it over, then takes the empty platter for the hamburgers from the counter. He offers Jared his best reassuring smile and heads back outside.

Aldis is already serving up burgers and hotdogs, but he relinquishes his post without a fight when Jared returns. “Your dogs barked at me 'til I gave 'em another 'dog. Hope that's cool.”

Harley looks up at Jared with an innocent expression and turns his gaze to Jensen. “Yeah, man, that's fine,” Jared laughs, poking at Harley with the toe of his flip-flop until the dog rolls over to display his belly. “Beggar,” he admonishes.

Jensen wordlessly sets the platter onto the grill tray and Jared moves the rest of the burgers and the last few hotdogs onto it. They work efficiently around each other, Jared moving the platter to the table with the rest of the food and Jensen grabbing two plates with two buns each, passing one to Jared as Jared settles cheese-covered patties onto all four buns. They load up the rest of their food, passing spoons and condiment bottles back and forth, and settle at the long picnic table across from each other, Jared next to Chad and Jensen beside Danneel. Conversation is easy and mostly focused on the recorded game on the TV.

Chad, Ashley, and Danneel leave before the Bruins game starts at eight, then it's just the guys. And this is familiar and easy, too. They turn the picnic table around to face the TV screen and Jared drags the cooler over so they're stocked up on beer. It's a good, close game, but Jared can hardly focus on football when Jensen is _right there_ , inches away. Jared can feel the head radiating from the faint sunburn that gives Jensen's slowly darkening skin a pink tint and he wishes they were alone.

Jared eventually gets his wish after the game goes into overtime and UCLA scores a field goal to win it. Chris boos the screen and he, Steve, and Aldis toss their empty bottles into the mostly empty and mostly water-filled cooler to complete the night's cleanup.

“Thanks for having us, Jay,” Chris says, shaking his hand.

“Thanks for coming.” Jared bear-hugs Aldis and gives Steve a nod.

“I'll see you guys later,” Jensen tells Chris, suffering through a tight embrace similar to the one Jared gave Aldis.

“You good to stay?” Chris asks, voice low, eyes serious.

“I'm fine. I'll see you later.”

Chris just nods and shoves Steve towards the door.

Aldis grabs a handful of cookies Ashley made from the plate on the table as he follows Chris. “Jay, man, see you tomorrow. Jensen, it was nice meetin' you.”

Jensen busies himself digging the full bottles of beer from the cooler and taking them back inside while Jared drags the cooler back to the edge of the yard to drain the water from it. He stops to nudge Sadie and Harley awake and both dogs sniff across the yard looking for dropped food before heading into the house. Jared unplugs the TV and hefts the set back into the house; Jensen's still in the kitchen, putting leftovers away and nursing another beer.

“So...” Jared says, leaning against the doorjamb, watching Jensen dry his hands on a dishtowel.

Jensen turns to face him feeling a little less nervous than he has all night, thanks to the alcohol he's been steadily consuming. He takes another swig and sets the bottle back onto the counter. “So.”

“I had fun today.” It's the best holiday Jared's had in a while.

“So did I.”

“Good.”

They stand there in silence for a few long moments until Jensen can't take it anymore. He crosses the short distance between them and reaches his hands behind Jared's head to pull his mouth down into a crushing kiss.

Jared's mouth opens in shock and Jensen takes the opportunity to slip his tongue inside to taste Jared's teeth. Jared doesn't need an engraved invitation to kiss back, arms wrapping around Jensen's waist to draw him closer, push him up against the side of the refrigerator.

“I'm sorry. I love you,” Jensen says, pulling back slightly and kissing Jared softly and chastely. “Can you give me another chance?” he asks.

Jared's thrown. Jensen wasn't the one who screwed up, he's not the one that should be asking for a second shot at what they had. “What?”

“Please.” He kisses Jared's mouth, his jaw, his throat, buries his face in Jared's neck.

Jared hugs him hard. “You didn't do anything wrong. It was all me, Jen. It was _me._ ”

“I shouldn't've walked away.”

“You had every right to.” He tilts Jensen's face back up to his, kisses him slowly. “Can you forgive me?”

Jensen nods, fuses his mouth to Jared's, tongue licking deep. “Yes.”

Jared knows they should take this all one step at a time, that they should slow down, but he can't. Having Jensen in his arms again after five years makes him feel like an addict with a lifetime supply of his drug of choice. Backing out of the kitchen, he leads Jensen down the hall to their room – he's not going to mentally correct himself this time. Jared pulls off his t-shirt and tosses it towards the hamper, reaches for Jensen and notices him hesitate. “Jen? Do you- do you want to stop?”

Jensen shakes his head, slowly peels out of his shirt, and closes the distance between them. “No. I just. It's been so long.”

Jared's hands skim along the smooth skin of Jensen's back as he covers Jensen's mouth with his own. His hands slip between them, fingers fumbling open the button and zipper of Jensen's cargo shorts and letting them fall to the floor. Jared's own follow before he pushes Jensen down to the bed, settles between his thighs. He kisses Jensen's chest and neck, moans as Jensen's fingertips dig into his back to pull him up his body. Scrape of teeth and drag of tongue on Jensen's warm skin as Jared moves higher, takes Jensen's mouth in a bruising kiss. “God, I missed you.”

Jensen's fingers work under the elastic waistband of Jared's briefs and push them down, grip his ass for better leverage to grind up against him. “Jay, fuck,” he breathes, mouth dropping open.

Jared ruts down against Jensen through two too many layers and he doesn't want anything between them, rocks back so he's on his knees and grabs at Jensen's underwear, tugs them off and leans back in, sucking Jensen's leaking cock into his mouth.

Jensen's fingers immediately tangle in Jared's hair as he arches off the bed. “ _Jared._ ”

Jared curls his hand around the base of Jensen's cock, swallows him down as far as he can, works his fist in tandem with his head as he bobs up and down Jensen's length. It's over surprisingly quickly – Jensen could hold out for what felt like hours – and Jensen's coming down his throat without so much as a hair tug in warning. Jared licks Jensen clean with long, gentle swipes of the flat of his tongue before pressing a kiss to the inside of Jensen's thigh and another to his hip just like he used to. He moves back up Jensen's body to kiss him properly on the mouth, letting Jensen taste himself. “So good, Jen,” he says against the sweat-damp, heated flesh of Jensen's neck as he fits his own erection into the crease of Jensen's hip and thigh.

Jensen gives Jared's shoulders a shove, pushes him onto his back on the mattress and presses up against his side, hand slipping down Jared's chest and stomach to wrap around Jared's precome-slick cock. “You close, Jay?”

“Fuck, Jen. Yeah.”

Jensen kisses him hard, more desperate than they've ever kissed before, and works his fist from sense memory. Twists his wrist there, pressure with his fingers here, flick of his thumb there, and Jared's thighs are quivering in minutes, one large hand spanning the back of Jensen's neck, the other wrapped tightly around Jensen's bicep. “Come on, Jay. Come for me.”

“Yeah. Gonna.”

“Come on, baby.”

Jared's whole body tenses as he shoots his release in thick ropes up his stomach and over Jensen's hand and wrist. He's still trembling, coming down from his orgasm, when he pulls Jensen down on top him. “I love you,” he says against Jensen's lips, and it sounds like a promise and a welcome home.

Jensen can't believe he almost forgot what this was like, sprawled over Jared's chest and wrapped in his arms. Sure, he's been with a couple of guys since he walked away five years ago, but it never felt like this, they could never measure up to Jared. Because this is _love._ Through the good and the bad – for better or worse, even though they might never get to stand in front of their friends and family and utter those vows and more – and against all odds. This is where he's meant to be and he's never going to forget that. “I love you, too.” He kisses Jared slowly until the mess of come between them becomes too uncomfortable to lie in. He rolls off of Jared's chest, smooths the flat of his palm over one developed pec, making the nipple harden. “Think we can still fit into the shower?”

Jared grins, takes in Jensen's dirty smirk, and leans up to bite at Jensen's full bottom lip. He kicks the rest of the way out of his underwear and pulls Jensen up off the bed. “Only one way to find out.”

The shower stall is just as tight of a fit as Jensen remembers, and it's just enough room for them to work around each other with soapy rags and wash off, trading lazy kisses. Jensen knows that with a little creativity and moderate amount of contortion on his part, they can manage pretty good sex in the cramped space. But that's not what this is about right now. They've got plenty of time to re-christen every inch of the house. All he wants to do now is hold Jared close and not let him go.

Once clean, Jared drapes his wet rag over his bottle of body wash and continues to kiss Jensen under the warm spray. He's content just to have Jensen in his arms again, to be able to kiss him, and he's not going to screw up his shot at a second chance. “So...what are you doing the weekend of the nineteenth?”

“I don't know. Why?” Jensen runs his fingers through Jared's hair to push it away from his face.

“My parents' thirtieth anniversary. I'm flying down to Texas for the party,” he explains. “Maybe, if you want – if it's not too soon to ask – you could come with me? I'd like for you to meet them.”

“Really?”

“I think it's long overdue.”

Jensen nods, wraps his arms around Jared's neck. “Okay. Yeah. I'd like that.”

Jared kisses the side of Jensen's neck just beneath his ear. He's going to do things right this time, no lies, no secrets.

When the water starts running cold, Jensen turns it off and pulls Jared out of the stall. They towel themselves dry and stand naked in the middle of the bathroom for a long stretch of moments, just kissing. “Can I stay?” Jensen's pretty sure he already knows the answer, but he asks anyway.

Jared laughs softly into Jensen's ear and kisses his temple. “Forever.”


End file.
